Wife

DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?


Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."


Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."


James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."


Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Disclaimer: I am not married, yet

Holy Cow

SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your
neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and
provides you with milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the
milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots
one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down
the drain.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce
the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point
that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a
man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from
your government.

DISKLAIMER: The title 'Holy Cow' is not a swear word, but a reality back in my country, India. Use the above definitions/metaphors to help your kid learn the meanings of the terms at your own risk, but I can guarantee that your children will have a sense of humour, or two, when they grow up.

Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload- Recreational-Killer
(WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take
two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote
known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE),
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER) or my personal
favourite, Victim-Of-Doing-Krappy-Administrative-Stuff (VODKA). Take
the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your
life.

But do not stress; there is a vaccine available... RETIREMENT!!!


Disklaimer: Work is a verb defined in an objective way in the above communication. If the write up helps change your life, please feel free to write a note of thank you. However, this disklaimer is to clearly state that you cannot sue or hold anything against the owner of this blog, for losing your job. Only ancestrally wealthy individuals or spouses of rich people are entitled to treat this message subjectively.

If this message was read by chance and it was not targeted at you, kindly ignore and get back to work. Anyways, we strictly advice you to use personal discretion.
ok, pls get back to work... now!

Ant and the Grasshopper!

CAUTION: might be a tough one to grasp if u r not aware of current politics in India!

OLD VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance). Opposition MP's stage a walkout.Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational
Insititutions & in Govt Services.
The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden' Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in silicon valley.100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ...

As a result loosing lot of hard working ants and feeding the grasshoppers India is still a developing country...... Can any one dare to bring India out of this clutches...

DISCLAIMER: The jokes in this mail are impossible to understand if you are not an Indian... and even worse(even if u r Indian), if you have not been in touch with all the dirty politics in India, in recent years.

European Language!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


DONT FORGET TO READ THIS-

DISKLAIMER:

This message (inkluding al ze english erors, inkonsistensis und politikal klaims) contains confidential and/or proprietary information intended only for the addressee.

Any unauthorized disclosure, copying, distribution (exsept forvarding it fur fun) or reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited and may constitute a violation of law (even outsid ze European Union, inkluding virles internet enabled NASA spas stations, vish is aktualy inter national/spasial 'Spas' und not US teritory despit al ze desperat klaims).

If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately by responding to this e-mail (viz kind vords sush as Sir, Pleas, Kindly, etc.) and delete the message from your system.

If you have any questions about this e-mail please notify the sender immediately (al klaims und questions in Neo English only, it vil remain an open sours furever, long liv 'FREDOM').

ZIS DISKLAIMER VAS VRITEN IN SVITZERLAND, HENS NO EU LAW IS APLIKABL ON ZE WRITER OR HIS EMPLOYERS.

KUM, LET US KREAT A BETER VORLD!



Tirumale Venugopal Srinaz

Projekt Ofiser,
'Edukation Fur Al'

Vorld Skut Bureau
Ru du Pré-Jérom 5
P.O. Box 91
SH-1211 Geneva 4 Plainpalais
SVITZERLAND

Tel: (+41 22) 705 10 10
Fax: (+41 22) 705 10 20
Skyp: srinathtv

[ mailto:srinath@scout.org ]srinath@scout.org ([ mailto:srinath@skut.org ] srinaz@skut.org in on year)
[ http://www.scout.org/ ]www.scout.org ([ http://vvv.skut.org/ ] vvv.skut.org in tvo years)

A MAYONNAISE JAR AND 2 CUPS OF COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar . Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Disclaimer/Final-Cut: goodness comes from deep within everyone, but evil is always just one layer below our skin. good attitude for most people is an effort while rudeness and negative reactions seem to pour out spontaneously. is understanding this ugly part of our self a necessity or are we already judging the value of the above statements. i write these lines standing tall as a perfect cynic, myself..

Interesting Bhashan, yet another fwd:

Life is not about living without problems -
it is about solving problems.

Courage is to know that you may not succeed -
but acting in spite of it, because it is right.

If you plough the field of unresolved feelings -
the only thing that will grow is resentment.

Compassion is passion with a heart.
Honour is standing for what you believe -
not for what you know.

The only thing in the whole universe people need to
control is their attitude.

How a person wins and loses is much more important
than how much a person wins and loses.

If you only do what you know you can do -
you will never do very much.

There are no failures -
just experiences and your reactions to them.

Getting what you want is not nearly as important
as giving what you have.

Going on a journey with a map requires following direction -
going on a journey without one requires following your heart.

Talent without humility is wasted.

If you do not want something bad enough to risk losing it -
then you do not want it bad enough.

When life knocks you down you have two choices-
to stay down or get up...!!!!

Disclaimer: Like all forwards, this one too appears a little like `I am good, you might be bad, better get better soon` attitude... and here i am.. screaming this loudly... Bad Attitude is not good, but good attitude has always attracted bad people... oh god, not again... `I am gud, u mite b bad, better get bitter soon`..!

An interesting FWD i received:

Below are four questions and a bonus one too.
You have to answer them instantly.

You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready?

GO!!!


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!


Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic!

Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..

You have 1000, add 40 to it... Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000.. Now add 10 .

What is the total?

Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!


Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you and me (almost).... ;)

DISCLAIMER: The name of the one who originally forwarded will not be revealed in fear of him being charged with plagiarism. If u decided to charge me with the same, I already paid for a copyright, by making you read it.. if u think this disclaimer is stupid, then stop reading it... but the last line is very funny, i promise.. how many grey hairs do u hav? when was it that you thought last about jumping off a tall building? and have u still been stealing pens? if u really read the above questions, what can one tell about u... i was as desperate for a laugh and wanted to get to the last line... but bloody damm it, i never made up my mind to skip all the rubbish and go to the last line... cos i had already come halfway through the paragraph... gosh, frustration, irritation, blood boiling... where the £€!! is the last line?
Last Line: This disclaimer was not part of the originally FWDed message, I wrote it!
;)